Some Good Old-Fashioned Hate!
Warning! If you're a Gator fan, turn back now!
Even if you hate college football, this might have some funny stuff to it... or it might be humor that doesn't translate well to the non-fan. Do as you will. A Maimed God Update will be posted in a few days.
Now, in the southern USA, there's a saying that college football is an exercise in good old-fashioned hatred, and at no time is that more obvious that rivalry weekend, the Saturday when 95% of the college football annual rivalries are played.
Unfortunately for the Seminoles, we have two rivals: The Miami Hurricanes and The University (sic) of Florida Gators. The Gators themselves, in addition to the Seminoles, have rivals in the Miami Hurricanes, the Georgia Bulldogs, the Tennessee Volunteers, the Auburn Tigers, and more recently, the South Carolina Gamecocks and Louisiana State Tigers. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Gators are hated by everybody.
Anyway, the 'Noles lost a humiliating game to rival #1 a few weeks back. This week, it's time for the Gators. Now let me be clear; I have no illusions that we will win. I estimate that we have something like a 95% chance of losing this weekend, and I'm not happy about that. Nevertheless, I will not let that spoil a perfectly good opportunity to do some "hatin'."
Target #1 on the hate parade is a tool named Tim Tebow, who fans of all the schools that hate the Gators have nicknamed "Tim Teblow" or - my favorite - "Tim Teabag." This is often changed to "Timmy" because (1) he's the "special child" of the Gator head-coach, Urban Meyer (more on him later) and (2) he reminds us all of Timmy from South Park.
It is clear at this point that Teabag is truly thought of as Superman by the Gator-faithful. Every trailer in Gainesville (more on that later) is decorated with a blue-colored #15 jersey, and you can't talk to a Gator anywhere who does not think "Tebow" is the solution to any problem. Yell "Timmy" in the South Park voice, and you have a reasonable facsimile of a conversation with a Gator fan.
This same line of thought is true to a lesser extent of a player named Percy Harvin. I mention this only by way of explanation for the upcoming picture. Suffice it to say that other than Teabag and Harvin, the Gators don't have much. Some ridiculous percentage (like 95%) of their plays go to one of these two fools. In a game like football, in which injuries are a weekly occurrence, to rely so heavily on two players is idiocy, but that only means it makes perfect sense for the Gators! (Incidentally, it cost them one loss against the Georgia Bulldogs already this year when Teabag had his shoulder mangled). It is with this in mind that one of the many people who despise the Gators photo-shopped the poster for the movie "Unbreakable" into the following spoof.
The movie poster is only moderately funny, but there is something about that middle image of Teabag, arm in a sling, clutching the football and limping down the field that just causes me to crack up. The sad thing is, I think they'd ALMOST run him out there in that condition.
There's No Crying in Football
Tom Hanks' immortal line in "A League of Their Own" was, of course, about baseball, but if it's true for baseball, it's DOUBLY true about football. However, that didn't stop Teabag from crying a river when the Gators lost yet another game against LSU. Of course, the fact that national TV picked it up led to a non-stop barrage of photo-shopped goodness.
The next picture is a rip-off of the awesome despair.com posters, which are themselves rip-offs of crappy motivational posters you see in every office building in the US. Two such posters, I like are:
So put all that together, and you have a photo-shopped despair.com poster illustrating the good work of a LSU fan who desired a way to memorialize forever the scene following their historic ass-kicking of the Gators.
Urban "The Cryer" Meyer
Last year, the FU (Florida University (sic)) Gators got to play for the the National Championship. This was due mostly to a heck of a crying job on national TV by their head coach, Urban Meyer. (And, btw, what the hell kind of name is "Urban?") Since then, he has been nick-named "The Cryer" or "Urban Cryer." Incidentally, some of us also call him "The Pope" because some people in Gunsville seem to think he's the direct pipeline to heaven...
Anyway, this sparked yet another photo-shopped movie poster.
The Gunsville Rap Sheet
Gainesville, the (let's be generous) "town" in which the University (sic) of Florida is located is often just called "Gunsville." Why? Well, that would be because of the ridiculously long list of felony counts attributable to Gator football players. In just the last off-season, the Gators were responsible for 17 arrests. In their defense, only 85 scholarship players are allowed on the team, so that's only 20% of the team arrested in a 6 month period...
Here's a blog entry that more clearly outlines Florida's attempts to overtake the thug image the Miami Hurricanes abandoned a few years back - right before they also abandoned winning. But I digress. This is, after all, about Gator-hatred, so let's get back to it.
Looking over that list of offenses on the referenced blog, I have to argue with one of the entries in that rap sheet. That blogger states:
Guard Ronnie Wilson was charged with two felonies and a misdemeanor for an April incident involving a gun in a parking lot near campus. Wilson was suspended indefinitely.
What that doesn't make clear is that the so-called "gun incident" was actually firing an AK-47 into the air, ostensibly to frighten a man who had followed him home after they had been in a fight already that night at a local night club. With just that one sentence to examine, let's see if we can count the number of offenses attributable to one player in only a single night... Sorry, but I can't count that high... and I'm an engineer.
Hence the revised name "Gunsville."
By the way, if you want to look up any of the Florida Gator football players, I'd start here.
I'm Not Saying All Gator Fans are Tools, But...
Earlier this year, the Gators lost to the Auburn Tigers in thrilling (for me and everyone else who hates the Gators) fashion. With the game tied at 17 and on the verge of overtime, the Tigers lined up to kick a 50+ yard field goal that would hand them the win. For those not familiar with football, 50 yards is a long way, ESPECIALLY for a collegiate kicker. Anyway, the ball was snapped and the kicker belted it clean through the uprights... AUBURN WINS!
Only not. You see, Urban "The Cryer" Meyer (Gator head coach) had grabbed one of the refs and literally sat on his ear until he sensed the ball about to be snapped and then he called time out, so the kick didn't count. The video footage showed him with his hand on the ref's shoulder licking his lips in anticipation of calling time out right before the snap. And the stupid refs let him get away with that crap! Anyway, get all the celebrating Auburn players off the field, bring the 21 year-old kid who just thought he made the amazing kick of his life back on, and try to settle him down to do it all over again.
Thirty seconds later, the play is run again, only this time... the kid drills the ball through the uprights a second time! Amazingly, he made an extremely difficult game-winning kick twice in a row.
With this explanation of the series of events, check out this YouTube video of a Gator fan watching the final moments of their loss to Auburn. The sound is a little off, so you'll need to turn up the volume a bit. Other than that, I'll just leave you to decide (1) how much of a super-tool this guy is and (2) if he has ever known the touch of a woman.
Again, Not All Gator Fans are Tools, But...
Here's another YouTube video of a Gator fan doing a cheer. Any words I type will simply not do this justice.
OK, Maybe They All Are Tools...
A final YouTube video. What is left to say?
Priceless... The Cycle of Hatred Continues
Yes, the Mastercard "Priceless" commercials have been worn about 15 years past their welcome. Nevertheless, clever Gator-haters can still get a smile or two out of them.
And That's It
The regular season ends with the tilt against the Gators this Saturday, and the 'Noles will finish either 8-4 or (more likely) 7-5. Of course, I'll comment now and again during the bowls (post-season), but for the most part, NWN2 matters will get my undivided attention